Kalie had a tough night last night and we ended up putting her down this morning. It went OK I guess but the house seems so empty with her not running up to the door the minute I open it. Each of the kids said goodbye this morning and had a final picture taken with her. This is a sad time for us and we know that we are so lucky to have known her. I already miss her gentle spirit and wagging tail.

There is an amazing peace that came with walking away from the Vet's office alone. A friend said that we can mark the decades of our lives by the lives of our dogs and this has been true for me. Kalie came before marriage, my Mom's death and the kids. She has been with me while I grew up and walked fully into adulthood. I guess it was her time to go.

Allie

I often reflect on the challenges that life gives me. Some challenges I get repeatedly, which makes me believe that the Universe just isn't paying any attention to my personal growth. For instance, the "letting go of control" challenge. I have really gotten pretty good at this (sleep deprivation was a major aid in my growth in this area) but I still run head long into letting go issues. Although now that I am so advanced with this, they are wasted on me.....well, usually.

One of our dogs is dying of some sort of vaginal tumor. It is happening very quickly and of course I am the one who will have to choose the day for her to die and will hold her while the Vet puts her down. I want to do this alone with her. We started out just the two of us 11 years ago (my husband, then boyfriend, and I had separated for a year) and I want her to have my undivided attention at the end.....it is the least I owe her. I know it sounds odd but this death reminds me somewhat of my Mother's illness and death just 5 years ago. The desire to spend quality time with her being superseded by the reality of taking care of her body as it was shutting down. Kalie, our little lab/beagle mix, might just be lucky to be a dog. At least I can choose an end for her and not make her hang out until her body finally gives over. My Mom talked about wanting to die in the end but she had to wait for her very strong heart to stop beating.

Back to the letting go lesson. I guess the challenge here is to enjoy the moment with Kalie and be present for her death which is as valid of an event as her birth.

Allie

Initial post

After 8 years of having at least one child in tow at all times, my youngest went off to Kindergarten last month (This is full day K and I have a lot of feelings and thoughts about the whole full day verses half day "K" debate but I'll save that for another time.). Over the last year I had made good use of my free time by thinking about what I would like to add to my life once Metta had joined her sister and brothers at school. When I write "free time", I am talking about all those little pieces of time that really are not spoken for. Like when I am at a red light or in the shower alone. Although, my doctor wants me to do kegels at red lights and the kids usually jump in the shower with me or at least pull the curtain aside to ask, "Mom, are you in the shower?" so maybe those were bad examples. Anyway, I had decided that I would work out once Metta went to school and that I would write again.

I had planned on writing a novel or at least a journal but a wise friend pointed me in this direction thus this blog.

Allie